The Nude Journal

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 17:08:53 GMT

I have a spare (free) ticket to Will Self being interviewed at the London Hay Festival or whatever it is called, if anyone wants it. It's tomorrow at 2.25pm, at King's Place near King's Cross.

The Mark ‘Fucking’ Lawson Project #1

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 07:51:26 GMT

“The year in which a book is published is to some extent arbitrary – depending on such factors as the author’s birth date, their diligence towards deadlines, and publishing schedules”

Mark Lawson received money to write these words. Fuck you, Mark Lawson.

[Cross-posted from Super Website 57.]

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 11:15:44 GMT

ruined by camping, booze and canoeing. is there any reason i shouldn'y stay in bed today or have i forgotten something exciting?

please help they’ve taken their guitar strings out of my brain

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 12:35:29 GMT

Hello, my name is Daisy Jessica. I am 31 years old (born 19/3/78) and live in Fiji. I am writing to tell you as I have no other option as you will understand, that particular artists that are featuring on your weekly top forty countdown, are song writing from my brain. They have used psychics to get into my brain to write and create albums. Some have pulled out whole lyrics, tunes, guitar strings and albums and so far as I am aware, they have neither contacted nor talked to me over this. This whole affair is having a very negative influence in my personal life and holding my life back. I cannot take any action on them because I have no money, have never traveled abroad or have people that I know of in the USA or Britain. While they win awards I am penniless so I cannot sue as I do not have any money.

This has been happening since my early university (in my early twenties) days while taking undergraduate studies. I have a Bachelor of Arts Degree but not a job; live on pension on less than a thousand dollars a year.

I also understand that you know the artists that I have made a list of on a personal level, so please ask them if they know me. In addition please, I request you to e- mail me the e-mail addresses of the authorities of real names and people who can deal with the matter or submit this letter to them for investigation.

This type of song writing is illegal and unprofessional and I want to put a stop to it, as it is very unpleasant to have people reading your head twenty four hours a day for the song writing benefit of others. They have never credited or acknowledged me. I cannot wait the rest of my life in this kind of situation and I want the psyching to stop. Please help me.

Please ask them if they know me. Here is a list of those particular artists:

1. justin timberlake (future sex and love sounds)

2. nelly furta

3. timbaland

4. rihanna

5. Bionce Noels

6. siara (love sex and magic)

7. jonahs brothers (burning up)

8. pink

9. chris daughtry

10. hinder

11. 3 doors down

12. nickel back

13. linkin park

14. david .j. mathews (the fly)

15. one republic

16. enrique iglacias

17. kanye west

18. natasha bedingfield

19. jason mraz

20. metro station

21. cold play (viva la vida)

22. lil wayne and kevin Rudolph

23. pussy cat dolls

24. second hand serenade

25. plain white t’s

26. maroon 5

27. backstreet boys (inconsolable)

28. david archuleta

29. akon

30. miley cyrus

31. taylor swift

32. lady gagga

33. Puff Diddi

34. Kelly Clarkson (my life would suck)

35. Brittany Spears

36. Joy Drop (Beautiful like you ft Ginger Snappers)

37. Kylie Manouge

[Cross-posted from Super Website 57.]

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 10:51:28 GMT

Don't suppose anyone reading this works near Elephant/Waterloo/Southwark tube station and could witness a contract I have to sign?

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 08:26:14 GMT

My recruiting situation solved itself. Sorry, would-be doing my old jobbers!

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 15:54:09 GMT

Anyone want or know someone who wants some temporary work? Basic research/data entry stuff, £7.50 an hour. My office is near Waterloo/Southwark in London.

FREE THE TWITTER ONE

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:09:25 GMT

I have been suspended from Twitter despite committing NO CRIME, other than being retweeted by Simon out of Trev and Simon TWICE today. From such highs to such lows. He's also been suspended, which of us brought the other down, I wonder?

EDIT: I'M BACK BABY

How The News Works Pt 8746

Sat, 23 May 2009 09:26:57 GMT

Google News links to 21 articles about the fact that Jonathan Ross must now pre-record his Radio 2 show, because he made a joke suggesting that if you found out your child was gay you’d want to put them up for adoption. Which is interesting, considering that that never happened.

All the stories are quoting him as saying,

“If your son asks for a Hannah Montana MP3 player, you might want to already think about putting him down for adoption before he brings his … erm … partner home.”

What Ross actually said was,

“If your son asks for a Hannah Montana MP3 player, then you might want to already think about putting them down for adoption in later life when they settle down with their partner.”

Now, suggesting that wanting a Hannah Montana MP3 player makes you gay is, at absolute best, very lazy stereotyping & I’m not suggesting Ross is a saint in all this. But for fuck’s sake, did not one journalist sit down and listen to the show? To spell it out for any journalists reading: he’s saying you should put your son down to adopt a child when he is grown-up since he will not be able to produce babies with his male partner*.

Is it more ambigious than it sounds to me? Have a listen on the Youtubes and decide for yourself.

Props to this guy for pointing this out.

* Obviously he is wrong, it will soon be the future and babies will be grown inside radioactive space androids so anything will be possible!

[Cross-posted from Super Website 57.]

topical bollocks because I haven’t written anything longer than 140 characters for months

Sat, 02 May 2009 12:15:09 GMT

If I was a pig, I would be this pig.

I am going to take a sideways look at swine flu because it is highly topical, so buckle up, this is going to be a crazy ride.

That swine flu is bad, isn’t it! I mean, most people are nasty enough already without… Yes. Well.

I actually want to get swine flu, I’m pretty sure I could take it & I’d probably get a medal of bravery which I could then sell on eBay for cash money, thus beating the recession.

I don’t know why that Mexican footballer had to apologise for coughing on another footballer, swine flu is now a part of Mexican culture so that seems pretty racist to me. And I laughed when I read the story so it turns out it is quite a funny thing to do anyway!

Something about pigs flying if you have avian & swine flu at the same time.

I think I’ll put some of this into a sketch and submit it to Week Ending. That’s still on, right?

[Cross-posted from Super Website 57.]

Loudtwitter

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 10:21:44 GMT

If anyone is particularly interested in a daily dump of my Twitter account (I don't why you would be, but still), subscribe to http://superwebsite57.com/twitter/?feed=rss2. I'm removing it from here.

Tweets for today

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 00:07:59 GMT

11:31 Going to buy some new shoes later. Oh strange new world, where not all my shoes have holes in the bottom, what will you be like? #
11:32 Maybe I'll really splash out and get some undamaged socks to go with them. #
13:09 eating enormous ham & cheese sandwich; covering desk in breadcrumbs. #
13:47 Something in the office keeps making that tannoy "bing" sound. If anyone has lost a child, please proceed to the customer service desk. #
13:58 @Jonnyapps Never mind that, report to aisle 9 for immediate clean-up. #
14:16 @Glinner You have to admit that, in a way, ringing up Andrew Sachs and swearing is worse than the Dunblane massacre. #
15:39 Nggh. "Strong, dark and handsome." Really? You're going to describe a *TV stand* like that? Really? #
15:47 (About a curved TV stand) "Curve your enthusiasm." I wish it was possible to punch people through the internet. #
15:55 @threedaymonk The "The Smiths" inspired nick is what makes that. #
16:13 @harveyjames it's ok, now I'm looking at mobile phones; with their "Exquisitely composed ringing tones". #
16:17 @martylog Turned down the chance to play Fred West on stage. <punchline deleted> #
16:30 Turned down chance to become marriage counselor. Too much rapport work. #
17:02 @Jonnyapps Ikea? #
20:17 I now own both shoes & jeans without holes in the bottom. I'm almost like a real person! #
20:24 Wow, 11pm BBC4, John Humphrys & Marcus Brigstocke together at last! I might eat my TV licence in protest. #
21:08 I'M ACTUALLY A TEACHER LOL! #
21:09 Spoilers, everyone on The Apprentice turns out to be a cunt. #
21:11 I wonder how long it actually takes them to agree on the inevitably crap teamnames? #
21:15 "My strategy is to have 100% of 100% of 100%. In this way I hope to achieve 100%!" #
21:16 I bet Nick likes a spanking in the board room, the dirty old sod. #
21:18 250 quid to clean 3 cars? #
21:18 300 quid! #
21:25 I hope one of them manages to blow a car up. #
21:27 "Hi there, want to have your car cleaned really badly?" #
21:28 Howard constantly looks like he's about to vomit up a live frog. #
21:33 Is there any instance in which "strong personality" doesn't just mean "twat"? #
21:36 "YES! WE SPENT ALL DAY EARNING ABOUT 20 QUID EACH!" #
21:38 SO FENG SHUI! #
21:43 I think Anita might be full of frogs as well. #
22:59 christ, my eyes. really need to sort out the refresh rate on my monitor at work before i start bleeding out of my pupils. #
23:05 possibly shutting them and lying down now would help #

Tweets for today

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 00:10:19 GMT

10:12 @rhodri cover image is him standing in a giant pan, holding an LP of incidental music. #
10:14 @rhodri or staring forlornly at a male sheep. #
10:41 Placing a "room wanted" ad on Gumtree is an easy way to briefly give yourself delusions of popularity. Especially among the illiterate. #
11:53 @iamjamesward Don't you find that Grammy awards are perfect for storing earplugs? #
13:53 @city_twit seeing the word "noughties" used unironically makes my brain itch #
14:07 Yeah, I guess paying council tax would only be an issue if I wanted to be on the electoral roll. Twats. #
16:04 enjoying being hustled by obvious scam artists on Gumtree. #
16:56 @city_twit Look, if my definition of feminism happens to include a light amount of murder, I really shouldn't be oppressed for that. #

Tweets for today

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 00:07:44 GMT

09:50 @themanwhofell There's an opportunity for a very specialist cab firm in that. #
09:51 @byronicman did he try to "gay you up"? #
11:18 @themanwhofell I think I could gain at least as much pleasure by not even bothering to go to the effort of pressing the button. #
11:26 @serafinowicz Could you tell me what ASAP means as soon as possible? #
11:37 @DerekFME tinyurl.com/dnjd2w #
11:38 @DerekFME BRAD JOHNSON #
11:45 @DerekFME but THEY CUT A HOLE THROUGH TIME. #
11:48 @DerekFME thinking about the philadelphia experiment 2 makes me too excited to spell. #
11:49 @DerekFME I think the next Triforum investment should be the production of TPE3. #
12:13 Being followed by a Philadelphian news station. I am not interested in Philadelphia, only in bad films about the Philadelphia Experiment! #
12:22 Just added myself to the wefollow.com twitter directory under: #boring #old #crap #
13:08 Enjoying Muhammad Ali's somewhat demented educational record about the importance of brushing your teeth. is.gd/oxg8 #
13:16 @rodti It is far more insane. It has Frank Sinatra. And a baffling song about Ali constantly getting the blame for things he didn't do. #
13:22 "The family that brushes together stays together!" #
13:36 This is the greatest use of the medium of recorded sound ever. Ali is currently in a boxing match against "Mr Tooth Decay". #
13:52 @davidwhittam He'd like it. But not a lot. #
13:56 @davidwhittam Ask him if that thing about Debbie and an Alsatian is true. #
14:13 @Jonnyapps I had to Google to find out what "Flirt Divert" is. Now I wish I could go back to not knowing. #
14:21 @Jonnyapps narrow it down more #
19:52 is being unusually proactive this evening. Also, if anyone has a cheap place to live in London, I would like to live in that cheap place! #

Tweets for today

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 00:05:20 GMT

10:21 still have a spare (free) ticket for this comedy/internet thing this afternoon going tinyurl.com/cuswfd #
12:02 "Mawkish erection" is a phrase that you almost never see. #

Tweets for today

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 00:05:03 GMT

09:43 @AdamBuxton1 Stephen! #

Tweets for today

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 00:06:37 GMT

08:04 John Humphrys' smug faux-annoyance makes me want to self-harm. #
11:13 @davidwhittam has the correct opinion about James Bond films. #
12:36 "A horse is a horse?", he wailed, his face ashen. "Of course, of course!" she smiled, her fingers tightening around his neck. #badhorror #
12:48 @rhodri The smile on the Social Media Consultant's face froze as he realised that he would never tweet again. #badhorror #
13:47 My hat, it has 3 corners, 3 corners has my hat. And each corner the site of a gruesome murder. #badhorror #
13:51 Finally, she got the match alight, then stared aghast into the visage of TV's Paul Ross. #badhorror #
13:56 "But the train driver couldn't have been my father!" exclaimed Stephens, "My father is dead... dead tired of driving trains." #badhorror #
13:59 "Everyone who watches this film dies within 7 days. Unless they sit through the director's commentary without falling asleep." #badhorror #
14:13 @rhodri You say that, but could Twitter do better? Let's find out with Twitcom! (shoots self in head) #
14:57 @amuchmoreexotic "Oi vey Adrian, that was the first trick I ever learned!" #
15:57 I keep winning tickets. Anyone fancy going to this: tinyurl.com/cuswfd for NO MONEY? #
16:37 40 hours since last cigarette. Intake of chewing gum increasing exponentially. #

FREE

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:11:43 GMT

Because of being good at winning things this month, I've got a FREE ticket to http://www.londonwordfestival.com/?page_id=43#22 if anyone's interested. Well, I've got 2, but I want one of them.

"Sun 22 Mar
WEBSTOCK-Y
Idiot of Ants, Andy Zaltzman, Michael Legge, Andrew J Lederer, Luke Wright, Chris Hicks, Donal Coonan, Stuart Silver
+ Answer Me This Podcast (live)
+ Karen McCarthy’s My T-Shirt Says (installation)
+ I Should Draw More Blog (live)
+ Tim Key/Tom Basden short film screening
+ MC Matthew Crosby

More Artists TBC

The geek shall inherit the earth. Taking in three performance and interactive spaces across the second floor of the Vibe Bar, a festival within a festival, Webstock is an homage to everything bloggy, webby and whatnot, celebrating and commiserating Web 2.0. Comedians, poets and artists will be fiddling with their digitalia. All day. Like drunk Facebooking. But without the repercussions.

Idiots of Ants slide off the Youtube screen into immaculately suited sketch-comedy absurdity; respected Cricket blogger and erstwhile award winning comedy writer and stand-up Andy Zaltzman does a turn. Get involved with Karen McCarthy’s found-poetry photo-installation My T-Shirt Says and enjoy live blogging from the online request-a-sketch of I Should Draw More. Whip-sharp Helen and Olly’s Answer Me This podcast will be recorded live. Channel 4 online broadcaster and public-sector-irritant Donal Coonan and Aisle 16ers Luke Wright and Chris Hicks join the bill with stand-up poetry for the discerning nerd. As do playful comic Stuart Silver, BAFTA winning web-writering stand-up Michael Legge and New York storytelling comedian, screenwriter and Chortle blogger Andrew J Lederer. Tim Key and Tom Basden will be in virtual attendance through the screening of their BAFTA nominated short The Amazing Hedge Puzzle, a divvy film about a cop, a robber and a maze. Matthew Crosby of Pappy’s Fun Club masters the ring, with his finger hovering over the reset button.

Vibe Live
£8 - Get Tickets
£10 on the door
3pm"

Tweets for today

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 00:12:09 GMT

09:24 Turns out blackcurrant cordial looks clear when inside an orange glass. I am drinking squash and NO-ONE EVEN KNOWS! Secret squash. #
09:52 @the_chipstick No, I'm normal, it's just that everyone else in the world is really weird. #
10:14 @rhodri there's some sort of joke in there about doing the Lambeth Walk leading to squatting but I doubt it would be worth the effort. #
10:52 I worked at is.gd/nZO5 when it was a rubbish touristy pub. I lost my job because of terrorism. And because of being bad at my job! #
11:05 I love this sign: is.gd/nZTQ #
11:28 @rhodri Yeah, but if you're lucky you sometimes see a resident of Colliers Wood learning to use a chicken bone as a weapon. #

Tweets for today

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:07:03 GMT

10:25 @rhodri or just adding [citation needed] after anything even vaguely positive. #
11:31 @superpitching you should eat START, choice of PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES. #
17:15 @rhodri it's specifically in relation to his stand-up tours, innit. e.g. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexie #
17:39 @city_twit news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/7951248.stm #

Tweets for today

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 00:07:09 GMT

11:22 @wardytron Lovely Rita might be problematic. #
11:42 @wardytron Love Rollercoaster #
11:56 @martylog It's about a man trying to get to a christening on time. The bit with the skateboard is pretty LOL! #
11:59 @martylog "Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back into this broken elevator." #
13:31 @rclarke my shoes came with a free USB flash drive. It is like living in The Jetsons or something. #
13:56 @rhodri The twist in your tale is that there was never even such a thing as television. #
14:41 @rhodri I dunno, I nearly died after putting a condom on my head. #
14:57 @martylog Especially the sequence where Lord Snooty rapes Plug. #
15:06 @martylog "I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here with me. And Gnasher!" #
16:05 RT: @Glinner twitpic.com/25k0b #
17:57 @rhodri just trilbys and posing pouches #
17:59 @rhodri or have you seen Knight Rider? Some of them dress like the car from Knight Rider. #
18:03 @shadowaspect or else you've made it to Computer Exchange. #

Tweets for today

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 00:08:29 GMT

06:26 groups.yahoo.com/group/catherinetateasacyclops2/summary #
08:52 almost put shoes on before trousers. this is a monday morning. #
10:12 yes, barclaycard, of course bad voice recognition works better than just pressing the numbers on the phone keypad! which is also now broken! #
10:15 I mean, ideally, just stop asking me for that money I owe you. Then do whatever with the phone system. #
10:40 @themanwhofell print out all the profiles of your myspace friends and stuff them into your shoes. #
14:56 Graffiti spotted near canal: "End Class Hate - Fight Marxism!" Yeah, that'll do it. #
15:04 @martylog Enter Sandman #
15:09 @martylog Russ Abbott's "Atmosphere" #
15:13 @martylog the theme song from The Dukes Of Hazzard #

Tweets for today

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 00:06:29 GMT

09:34 must try to do something today #
12:23 haven't done anything yet #
12:51 going to go outside. maybe eat a cheeseburger. who can say? #
22:39 @rclarke has he had a miscarriage? #

Tweets for today

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 00:05:53 GMT

12:06 the purity of hangover #
19:29 has achieved nothing today. again. #
22:11 has nothing but ice cream #
22:28 sick of ice cream now #
22:28 maybe i'll do a poo to liven things up #

Tweets for today

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 00:05:58 GMT

01:31 sir alan sigur ros. don't really know where that's going, just kind of typed it and hoped for the best, #
11:25 @Jonnyapps do not try to kiss the angel. your home may be at risk if you do not keep up repayments on the angel. #
11:38 @byronicman Try not to fall in the canal. I did. It was horrible. #
11:43 @pageantmalarkey I am not sponsoring you for wearing a hat. #
11:58 @pageantmalarkey is it shaped like a bath of baked beans? #
12:02 @CharBotGreen is a great service. Knowing that I'm not listening to "You and Yours" is really brightening up my day. #
12:46 @falhawk @martylog Yorn's version of Ever Fallen In Love... by the Buzzcocks is pretty pointless but turns up in a few films, too. #
12:51 @martylog The Stranglers' "All Day And All Of The Night" is a bit redundant. #
14:18 @rhodri I read one of those too quickly and accidentally made it much better. "What's brown and sticky? Hull." #
14:24 @pageantmalarkey A woman should be fairy godmother in the living room, a gambler in the kitchen & ballerina in the bedroom. #
14:36 @pageantmalarkey wait, are you sure you're not dressed like Mr Benn? #
14:43 @pageantmalarkey "I just can't quit you, Mr Benn." #
15:21 @pageantmalarkey Sid Owen? #
16:05 @city_twit wrapped in foil with your guts out? #
17:46 is ready for some beer #